General ranting

I wonder if, in 10 or 20 years from now, how I will feel when looking back on this time. I wonder if I will have regreat or look back on this time with joy. It feel like I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am not engaged with the kids or with the hubby or even with myself. I am so detatched. I have tried to do things to break through my armour, but nothing seems to work. I just cannot seem to get over this thing, what ever it is. Is it depression? Maybe. It feels like it. Sometimes. But when I am engaged in doing something I like, I feel good. The problem is getting there. Getting to the art studio. Getting onto the dance floor. Making the lunch date with a friend. Getting out of bed. Like I need to be dragged there or else I won't go.
I am struggling with my job and have been for months. I am not doing what I should be doing. My job is totally draining and unrewarding. The only reason I do it is for the money. But I can;t seem to quit. I feel like I need to hold on to the job for some reason, even though every moment I need to do the work I feel like someone is pulling my fingernails off my hands. It's that painful. I dread it.
And then there is winter. The cold. I hate that. I hate not having sunlight on my face for months at a time. I think this is causing much of my sadness expecially at night and in the morning. All I want to do is go to bed and get under my nice warm covers. And I dread having to crawl out from those covers in the morning.
I want to play ping pong with Jason. But I cannot seem to get up from this chair and drag myself away from the computer.
There are many positive things happening in my life. We are moving back to CA. Not more cold cold winters. Bruce will be happier. I will be living closer to my best friend. To a few of my best friends. We might be able to retire earlied than we expected.
I am writing a proposal for Google. I have written an outline for a reality TV show. My friend has encouraged me to pursue a long-time art technique.
I just feel such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I don't know why or how to get rid of it. I haven't written about anything for awhile and it's time I start. Maybe writing will help me to either discover what my problem is or help me get rid of it or both.
I have been living with my head in the sand for a lonf time. It's about time for me to get back on the bandwagon of life. Maybe in the spring...