Sept. routine

At the beginning of the month it was getting used to the new school routine. The it was finishing getting the house organized. Then it was getting the studio organized, and I was determined to make some art, which I did, and damn good are as it turns out. Exercise fit in sometimes, not consistently, but 2-3 days a week I either rode my bike a little or went swimming, even made it to the gym a couple of times. We are well into our routine now, and I thought that by now I would be exercising at least 3-4 days per week, going to the studio 3 days per week, volunteer at school one day, and do housework one day.

So, why hasn;t that happened yet? Because I am no good at and have never been good at having a routine. I am a fly-by-the seat of my pants kind of a person, I go with my moods which are unpredictable at best. Lately I have had bursts of creative energy, so I have been trying to take advantage of that. Going to yard sales and making inspirational recycled art.

But I have not been exercising or keeping up with the house beyond the absolute neccesities like grocery shopping, making dinner, and barely keeping up with laundry.

I have not been eating right. Or drinking enough. Or exercising. Difficulty sleeping, sometimes. Tired when I am at home. Not being able to keep the schedule. Have many things happening at once (art shows, poetry readings, social events, etc.)

I need to start meditating again (as if I ever did THAT on a regular basis...hah.)

I just feel out of control these days.

What part of 5:30 did you not understand

We decided to go out for dinner tonight, me and the hubby. Good idea after a week of working, running the kids around. I certainly don't feel like cooking, and he doesn't either. So, I said, let's go at 5:30 to beat the dinner rush. I had a light lunch. I am hungry! 5:30 comes and goes. He mows the lawn, goes on the computer, then decides to get changed. It's now 6:00 and my blood sugar is way down. I already had a yogert to help get me through the hump...but it's wearing off and I don't want to eat more to spoil my dinner! We still have to order ahead to avoid the lines...but not until I read him the on-line menu...maybe a home-made salad will do the trick after all. I don't think I will make it another moment.

Housewife

How do we get to where we are? I find myself in the role of Housewife. Something I never aspired to be, although to be honest I never really knew what I wanted to be. It's a role I don't seem to be very good at. Yes, I can perform the functions...I can clean, cook, and do the laundry. But the laundry always seems to be slightly wrinkled, the meals leave lots to be desired (i.e. BORING) and I have tried to delegate the big cleaning jobs to the kids and the husband. I can live with a slightly messy house, but what really causes me the most anxiety is my lack of ability to keep the household organized. I can never seem to keep up with the mail, the filing, sending rebates when I buy something that requires it (I am sure those companies hope that everyone is like me...) the school papers that come home almost daily. The soccer schedule. The social calendar. Music lessons. And that's just the kids. Never mind my own! Not that I even have a life anymore. I can never find my keys, I come back into the house . At the moment, my husband is looking for some papers so I need to go find them.

8 things...

Eight Things I Am Passionate About
The Kids
Bruce Springsteen
Art (making it, looking at it, talking about it)
Writing poetry
My friendships (particularly the longer-term ones)
Reducing waste and general earth-friendly life-style
Eating healthy (this one is tough to actually implement, see next item...)
Hot fudge sundaes

Eight Books I've Read and Enjoyed
Atlas Shrugged
The Fountainhead
The Stand
The Road
The Good Earth
The Red Tent
I can't remember any more


Eight Words/Phrases I Say Often
Kevin
Jason
Dear
Crap
I'm an artist
Turn down/off the TV
Did you brush your teeth?
Did you finish your home work?

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die
Skydive
Swim with dolphins in the wild while scuba diving
Go on a trip with all my wonderful friends at the same time
Leave an positive impact on the world
Live in NYC for one year
Live at the Jersey Shore for one year
Have enough money to hire a personal chef, nutritionist, and massage therapist
Die laughing

Eight Things I’ve Learned In My Life
We all have more than one soul mate
Kids suck the life out of you, while at the same time breath life into you
Things happen for a reason (even though we may never figure out what that reason is)
There's nothing better than seeing Springsteen with your best friend, even if I was only front row NEXT to center.
You have more impact on the people around you than you will ever know.
Sometimes you just have to let go
Sometimes, life just sucks. Then morning comes.
You get out of life, what you put into it.

Eight Places I Want To See
The south pole
I want to see people stop being so self-centered (oopps that's not a place. Oh well)
Tahiti
Bali
All the Hawaiian Islands
Alaska
African Safari

Eight Things I Currently Need/Want
A wife (yes, I am a wife...but i need a wife!!)
A personal chef
masseuse
professional organizer
A car that runs on solar power
I want my husband's company to succeed so he can be home more
To go back to school to learn more about being an artist
More time to make art (see # 1, that would do it)



Eight People I Want To Tag
I don't know how to tag, and I am new at blogging so I don't know any other bloggers except for patios!!!

Sorry I am late

I've been trying to pull off this single mom thing, and so far doing a fairly good job, I think. Well I am not actually a single mom...but my husband is working for a start-up company and works about 12 hours a day so I am pretty much on my own with the kids. So far we've been ok with drop-off and pick-ups, no conflicting times, UNtil, that is, tonight. Scouts ended at the same time as soccer practice. I thought I could leave one activity 5 minutes early, to arrive at the second activity just 5 minutes late. I ended up leaving the first activity 10 minutes late, arriving at the second one, 20 minutes late. The coach called looking for me...I was so embarrassed. I guess dad will need to step in from now on on Tuesdays! Sorry, coach. It won't happen again.

Sept. blues

The kids have been back to school for one week. I hope it's ok to take their first day of school photo, like, during the second week of school..because I haven't taken it yet. Our mornings are still pretty hectic, still working out the morning routine. We were all riding our bikes to and from school together, which was very nice...I got some exercise. and the kids seemed to like it. Then, 2 neighbors decided to carpool, one of them, my ten year old's new friend, so that pretty much ended our rides to school. The older one still rides, anything to separate himself from his younger brother. Ten year old is going to try cross country team. He'll be at school for an extra hour, running, so it's probably best that he gets a ride home anyway.

Today was a "bad mommy" day. I am such a softie. Let them do whatever. Their dad is more, well, I wouldn't say strict, but less lenient. But every time we disagree on something, I feel like a complete failure as a mother. Should I be more pushy and strict? Stick to the rules I am always making? I am not good at following through on chores and such. Sue me.

Aug. 26

Second day of school We rode together. Today, I wanted to try a different (safer?) route, but the kids wanted to stay the course with their old route. I made K come with me on the new one, let J go on the old one. I didn't hear the end of it all day, even at bedtime, K was still upset that life wasn't "fair" because Jason gets away with everything, and I don't discipline him enough, whereas I discipline K more. Tears fell. It's hard being the youngest. I know. I was one too. I was not unscathed. I was scarred. Luckily, the stormy relationship with my brother got resolved once we became adults, in particular when my mom died while we were both in college. We knew we needed to stay close, and we have. I hope my kids end up becoming friends, but hopefully not because of the loss of someone they both love, but because they truly like each other. How could two people who I love so much, not love each other?

First Day of School...I mean, Freedom

We've been counting down the days until school begins, all summer. One entering 8th grade, he was on the verge of dreading it, but I still saw a twang of excitement left in his eyes. The other, entering 5th grade, still has the "I love school" attitude. He wanted to ride his bike alone this morning, but I wasn't ready to let go until the last possible moment.
Of course I had been counting down the days just like them, in anticipation of all the things I could now accomplish...since this is the first time in many years I have no job, so I can focus my attentions on them when they are home, and on me when they are not.
I have a list of classes I want to sign up for, an art studio I rented so I can have a place to be creative (www.jerseygirlart.blogspot.com) , and it's finally time for be to get back into shape. Biking? Swimming? Running? Triathlon training class? Go back to the gym? Hmmm. ALl seem like fun options.
I also need to get myself organized. Re-fold all the clothes in everyone's drawers. Finish unpacking. (We just moved across the country 5 weeks ago).

Or, I can just meditate, go to lunch with a friend, take a nap, take a shower, get a massage...indulge myself, reward myself, for being such a good mom this summer...keeping my kids entertained, occupied, getting them safely across the country in our mini-van. Don't I deserve it? I think you'll agree the answer is YES! Once I finish the laundry and the dishes from last night....Sigh.

Junk food

I recently went to visit my best friend. She has 3 kids, I have 2. We have been friends for over 30 years. But we are so different! Well, in some ways. Her house is filled with yummy things to eat. Snacks about in every corner. Gold fish, chips, candy, you name it...she has it. Her house is alive with noise, swimming, drumming, singing, and talking. My kids were in heaven.

In my comparatively quiet house, you will find cut cantelope, watermelon, grapes, bananas, string cheese, yogurt, hummus...you get the idea. Last night my 13 year old was hungry after 2 hours of soccer practice. He had eaten dinner earlier in the evening...he wanted something GOOD. "All we have is meal stuff, and healthy stuff." He proclaimed. He found some frozen waffles burried in the freezer, so he survived. We then made the shopping list. Cookies, pop tarts, pudding, popcorn, ice cream...topped the list. This morning I went out and happily succumbed to the requests. The key, I think, is balance and everything in moderation. Living on junk food is not a good idea, but on the other hand eating only things that are healthy for you can get a bit boring after awhile. So, eat away, kids! Enjoy it while you can.

Focus focus focus

I find I am once again having trouble focusing on what I want to do with myself. It's a good thing, it means I am in "energized mode", with too many ideas and the inability to focus. So here's my most recent list of things I have on my mind.
Art:
Portfolio...print it, web presence, share it (with who?) old stuff vs new stuff (need to make new stuff) network with other artists, network with others in general, do a show, enter competitions, art clubs, get involved, what is my next project, what is my focus as an artist/ (environmental...find peace in the chaos) / teach classes (collage/spirituality)/involvement with the studio/portfolio review (George Rivera)

Kids:
Cello lessons, clarinet lessons, keyboard lessons (need to do all of these) scouts (attend meetings) friends, schedules/chores/allowance/homework/FUN/volunteer at school (art? PTA? Office?)

House:
ez meals/healthy/let's GO OUT TO EAT

Exercise:
Swim/bike/gym/class (yoga/pilates/badmitton(!) yes i love badmitton/tri-athelon group

FUN/social/friends:
Go out! Dance! make plans with friends! Have a BBQ (neighbors/friends/kids???) Dance class! Art class/blog, email, share my life

This helps, to write it all down. Now I will go off and think!
Thanks for reading.
I almost forgot! Poetry group/writing

General ranting

I wonder if, in 10 or 20 years from now, how I will feel when looking back on this time. I wonder if I will have regreat or look back on this time with joy. It feel like I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am not engaged with the kids or with the hubby or even with myself. I am so detatched. I have tried to do things to break through my armour, but nothing seems to work. I just cannot seem to get over this thing, what ever it is. Is it depression? Maybe. It feels like it. Sometimes. But when I am engaged in doing something I like, I feel good. The problem is getting there. Getting to the art studio. Getting onto the dance floor. Making the lunch date with a friend. Getting out of bed. Like I need to be dragged there or else I won't go.
I am struggling with my job and have been for months. I am not doing what I should be doing. My job is totally draining and unrewarding. The only reason I do it is for the money. But I can;t seem to quit. I feel like I need to hold on to the job for some reason, even though every moment I need to do the work I feel like someone is pulling my fingernails off my hands. It's that painful. I dread it.
And then there is winter. The cold. I hate that. I hate not having sunlight on my face for months at a time. I think this is causing much of my sadness expecially at night and in the morning. All I want to do is go to bed and get under my nice warm covers. And I dread having to crawl out from those covers in the morning.
I want to play ping pong with Jason. But I cannot seem to get up from this chair and drag myself away from the computer.
There are many positive things happening in my life. We are moving back to CA. Not more cold cold winters. Bruce will be happier. I will be living closer to my best friend. To a few of my best friends. We might be able to retire earlied than we expected.
I am writing a proposal for Google. I have written an outline for a reality TV show. My friend has encouraged me to pursue a long-time art technique.
I just feel such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I don't know why or how to get rid of it. I haven't written about anything for awhile and it's time I start. Maybe writing will help me to either discover what my problem is or help me get rid of it or both.
I have been living with my head in the sand for a lonf time. It's about time for me to get back on the bandwagon of life. Maybe in the spring...