General ranting

I wonder if, in 10 or 20 years from now, how I will feel when looking back on this time. I wonder if I will have regreat or look back on this time with joy. It feel like I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am not engaged with the kids or with the hubby or even with myself. I am so detatched. I have tried to do things to break through my armour, but nothing seems to work. I just cannot seem to get over this thing, what ever it is. Is it depression? Maybe. It feels like it. Sometimes. But when I am engaged in doing something I like, I feel good. The problem is getting there. Getting to the art studio. Getting onto the dance floor. Making the lunch date with a friend. Getting out of bed. Like I need to be dragged there or else I won't go.
I am struggling with my job and have been for months. I am not doing what I should be doing. My job is totally draining and unrewarding. The only reason I do it is for the money. But I can;t seem to quit. I feel like I need to hold on to the job for some reason, even though every moment I need to do the work I feel like someone is pulling my fingernails off my hands. It's that painful. I dread it.
And then there is winter. The cold. I hate that. I hate not having sunlight on my face for months at a time. I think this is causing much of my sadness expecially at night and in the morning. All I want to do is go to bed and get under my nice warm covers. And I dread having to crawl out from those covers in the morning.
I want to play ping pong with Jason. But I cannot seem to get up from this chair and drag myself away from the computer.
There are many positive things happening in my life. We are moving back to CA. Not more cold cold winters. Bruce will be happier. I will be living closer to my best friend. To a few of my best friends. We might be able to retire earlied than we expected.
I am writing a proposal for Google. I have written an outline for a reality TV show. My friend has encouraged me to pursue a long-time art technique.
I just feel such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I don't know why or how to get rid of it. I haven't written about anything for awhile and it's time I start. Maybe writing will help me to either discover what my problem is or help me get rid of it or both.
I have been living with my head in the sand for a lonf time. It's about time for me to get back on the bandwagon of life. Maybe in the spring...

The windshield is my best friend

Drive to work, to lunch then home,
Pick up one kid, drive him alone.
The library, back home, then back out again,
The windshield has become, my best friend.

Out to the store, to buy food and wine,
Then out to Target, hope there is a short line.
Oh I forgot, the letter I must send,
The windshield has become, my best friend.

Tonight its Cub Scouts, let's all say the pledge,
Then on to book club, we're living on the edge.
Driving round town, will this ever end,
The windshield has become, my best friend.

Some day I'll just sit, on the porch in my rocker,
Reading a book, not driving to soccer.
Will I miss these days? I can't comprehend,
When the windshield is no longer, my best friend.

Ten on Tuesday on Wednesday

Well, better late then never.
10 things I love about my job

1. It allows me the flexibility to schedule my work around my kids so I can be home when they get home.
2. The paycheck. No need to ask the hubby if it's ok to hire a housecleaner, or get a massage.
3. New project every few months, to avoud getting board.
4. Going out to lunch with intellegent adults.
5. The flexible schedule
6. Flexibility
7. They pay for me to get my masters degree
8. Learning new stuff all the time
9. Paid vacation
10. Flexibility

forms forms and more forms

You would think by now they had everything automated and we could just log in somewhere and fill everything out and they could access it from some centrally located place down at that board of education, but I guess that's too much to ask. After fighting the crowds at Staples, then Walmart and Target for school supplies, my kids come home from their first day of school not with homework for them but for ME. 2 hours later I have signed my name 2 dozen times, pledging that I have reviewed the rules of conduct for school with my kids, tracked down the phone numbers of their doctor, plus 2 emergency contacts (in triplicate...) sigh. At least neither of them came home complaining that they got beat up on the playground or anything.

fall calendar

I just yelled at my kids. I never yell at my kids. Why did I yell at my kids? Because I just sat down to create our activites calendar for Sept., which school starting tomorrow I figured we should know what we're all going to be doing, since we'll all be in different directions. Let me tell you, between 2 kids playing soccer, cub scouts, fencing lessons, cello lessons, and jump rope squad (and these are just my kids activities) then there's my school, and my husband's soccer games...I can't wuite figure out when we're supposed to EAT. Anyone know of any taxi services out there??? Ugh.

Back to the blog

It's about time for me to spread my wings and take 5 minutes to write on my blog. I have been hesitant to do this becaus eI am on the computer so much and don't need one more reasn to sit here and write...but I keep reading my best friend's blog and it's so cool and I always think of things to write after reading hers, so we'll see.
My 9 year old yesterday asked me to tell him things he shouldn't do when he grows up. ALl I could think of was "wear a condom unless your ready to have kids" but I didn't think he was quite ready to hear that yet. SO, I went with the safe, don't smoke, don't drink and drive, and don't ever stop exercising. But he said he already knew all that and could I tell him something he didn't already know?

Any ideas are welcome. What things have you done that you would advise a younger person not to do when they grow up? Here's my 10:

1. Don't move away from your home town.
2. Don't live in the same town all your life.
3. Don't pick your profession because you think you will make lots of money.
4. Don't spend your money before you have it.
5. Don't marry for money.
6. Don't give up on your dreams.
7. Don't follow the crowd.
8. Don't keep your feelings inside.
9. Don't forget to smell the roses.
10. Don't loose your sense of fun and sense of humor.

Well there you have it.