Sorry I am late

I've been trying to pull off this single mom thing, and so far doing a fairly good job, I think. Well I am not actually a single mom...but my husband is working for a start-up company and works about 12 hours a day so I am pretty much on my own with the kids. So far we've been ok with drop-off and pick-ups, no conflicting times, UNtil, that is, tonight. Scouts ended at the same time as soccer practice. I thought I could leave one activity 5 minutes early, to arrive at the second activity just 5 minutes late. I ended up leaving the first activity 10 minutes late, arriving at the second one, 20 minutes late. The coach called looking for me...I was so embarrassed. I guess dad will need to step in from now on on Tuesdays! Sorry, coach. It won't happen again.

Sept. blues

The kids have been back to school for one week. I hope it's ok to take their first day of school photo, like, during the second week of school..because I haven't taken it yet. Our mornings are still pretty hectic, still working out the morning routine. We were all riding our bikes to and from school together, which was very nice...I got some exercise. and the kids seemed to like it. Then, 2 neighbors decided to carpool, one of them, my ten year old's new friend, so that pretty much ended our rides to school. The older one still rides, anything to separate himself from his younger brother. Ten year old is going to try cross country team. He'll be at school for an extra hour, running, so it's probably best that he gets a ride home anyway.

Today was a "bad mommy" day. I am such a softie. Let them do whatever. Their dad is more, well, I wouldn't say strict, but less lenient. But every time we disagree on something, I feel like a complete failure as a mother. Should I be more pushy and strict? Stick to the rules I am always making? I am not good at following through on chores and such. Sue me.

Aug. 26

Second day of school We rode together. Today, I wanted to try a different (safer?) route, but the kids wanted to stay the course with their old route. I made K come with me on the new one, let J go on the old one. I didn't hear the end of it all day, even at bedtime, K was still upset that life wasn't "fair" because Jason gets away with everything, and I don't discipline him enough, whereas I discipline K more. Tears fell. It's hard being the youngest. I know. I was one too. I was not unscathed. I was scarred. Luckily, the stormy relationship with my brother got resolved once we became adults, in particular when my mom died while we were both in college. We knew we needed to stay close, and we have. I hope my kids end up becoming friends, but hopefully not because of the loss of someone they both love, but because they truly like each other. How could two people who I love so much, not love each other?

First Day of School...I mean, Freedom

We've been counting down the days until school begins, all summer. One entering 8th grade, he was on the verge of dreading it, but I still saw a twang of excitement left in his eyes. The other, entering 5th grade, still has the "I love school" attitude. He wanted to ride his bike alone this morning, but I wasn't ready to let go until the last possible moment.
Of course I had been counting down the days just like them, in anticipation of all the things I could now accomplish...since this is the first time in many years I have no job, so I can focus my attentions on them when they are home, and on me when they are not.
I have a list of classes I want to sign up for, an art studio I rented so I can have a place to be creative (www.jerseygirlart.blogspot.com) , and it's finally time for be to get back into shape. Biking? Swimming? Running? Triathlon training class? Go back to the gym? Hmmm. ALl seem like fun options.
I also need to get myself organized. Re-fold all the clothes in everyone's drawers. Finish unpacking. (We just moved across the country 5 weeks ago).

Or, I can just meditate, go to lunch with a friend, take a nap, take a shower, get a massage...indulge myself, reward myself, for being such a good mom this summer...keeping my kids entertained, occupied, getting them safely across the country in our mini-van. Don't I deserve it? I think you'll agree the answer is YES! Once I finish the laundry and the dishes from last night....Sigh.

Junk food

I recently went to visit my best friend. She has 3 kids, I have 2. We have been friends for over 30 years. But we are so different! Well, in some ways. Her house is filled with yummy things to eat. Snacks about in every corner. Gold fish, chips, candy, you name it...she has it. Her house is alive with noise, swimming, drumming, singing, and talking. My kids were in heaven.

In my comparatively quiet house, you will find cut cantelope, watermelon, grapes, bananas, string cheese, yogurt, hummus...you get the idea. Last night my 13 year old was hungry after 2 hours of soccer practice. He had eaten dinner earlier in the evening...he wanted something GOOD. "All we have is meal stuff, and healthy stuff." He proclaimed. He found some frozen waffles burried in the freezer, so he survived. We then made the shopping list. Cookies, pop tarts, pudding, popcorn, ice cream...topped the list. This morning I went out and happily succumbed to the requests. The key, I think, is balance and everything in moderation. Living on junk food is not a good idea, but on the other hand eating only things that are healthy for you can get a bit boring after awhile. So, eat away, kids! Enjoy it while you can.

Focus focus focus

I find I am once again having trouble focusing on what I want to do with myself. It's a good thing, it means I am in "energized mode", with too many ideas and the inability to focus. So here's my most recent list of things I have on my mind.
Art:
Portfolio...print it, web presence, share it (with who?) old stuff vs new stuff (need to make new stuff) network with other artists, network with others in general, do a show, enter competitions, art clubs, get involved, what is my next project, what is my focus as an artist/ (environmental...find peace in the chaos) / teach classes (collage/spirituality)/involvement with the studio/portfolio review (George Rivera)

Kids:
Cello lessons, clarinet lessons, keyboard lessons (need to do all of these) scouts (attend meetings) friends, schedules/chores/allowance/homework/FUN/volunteer at school (art? PTA? Office?)

House:
ez meals/healthy/let's GO OUT TO EAT

Exercise:
Swim/bike/gym/class (yoga/pilates/badmitton(!) yes i love badmitton/tri-athelon group

FUN/social/friends:
Go out! Dance! make plans with friends! Have a BBQ (neighbors/friends/kids???) Dance class! Art class/blog, email, share my life

This helps, to write it all down. Now I will go off and think!
Thanks for reading.
I almost forgot! Poetry group/writing

General ranting

I wonder if, in 10 or 20 years from now, how I will feel when looking back on this time. I wonder if I will have regreat or look back on this time with joy. It feel like I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am not engaged with the kids or with the hubby or even with myself. I am so detatched. I have tried to do things to break through my armour, but nothing seems to work. I just cannot seem to get over this thing, what ever it is. Is it depression? Maybe. It feels like it. Sometimes. But when I am engaged in doing something I like, I feel good. The problem is getting there. Getting to the art studio. Getting onto the dance floor. Making the lunch date with a friend. Getting out of bed. Like I need to be dragged there or else I won't go.
I am struggling with my job and have been for months. I am not doing what I should be doing. My job is totally draining and unrewarding. The only reason I do it is for the money. But I can;t seem to quit. I feel like I need to hold on to the job for some reason, even though every moment I need to do the work I feel like someone is pulling my fingernails off my hands. It's that painful. I dread it.
And then there is winter. The cold. I hate that. I hate not having sunlight on my face for months at a time. I think this is causing much of my sadness expecially at night and in the morning. All I want to do is go to bed and get under my nice warm covers. And I dread having to crawl out from those covers in the morning.
I want to play ping pong with Jason. But I cannot seem to get up from this chair and drag myself away from the computer.
There are many positive things happening in my life. We are moving back to CA. Not more cold cold winters. Bruce will be happier. I will be living closer to my best friend. To a few of my best friends. We might be able to retire earlied than we expected.
I am writing a proposal for Google. I have written an outline for a reality TV show. My friend has encouraged me to pursue a long-time art technique.
I just feel such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I don't know why or how to get rid of it. I haven't written about anything for awhile and it's time I start. Maybe writing will help me to either discover what my problem is or help me get rid of it or both.
I have been living with my head in the sand for a lonf time. It's about time for me to get back on the bandwagon of life. Maybe in the spring...